Beginning after The End

Sitting in front of same old computer, doing some stupid work and yeah sipping another cup of hot special chai I wonder where I am heading for ...yesterday second and final waitlist of SCMHRD was out my name didn’t figure in that as usual though there was no hope for that but yeah officially it got over. I started preparing for CAT in Jan 2005 and from there it was been long journey ..all weekends were spoiled because I had either had to attend some class or to appear in some Mock test.For one year while working in office I had only one aim to complete work and catch 6 PM bus to back home and after reaching home grab some material and start solving it be it simple multiplication or division or some standard 10th topic from maths or some English words which I knew will not be used by me any day.

While traveling in company bus I usually had flash cards with some strange words printed on it or may be I had copy of Economic Times editorial which informed about the latest economic topics though I was never interested in that but so was the drive of getting into good B school that I use to read not only newspaper but also some business magazine. In office also I always tried to steal some time and go through some DI test or some website for MBA preparation.
I denied all invitations to any party or any of the weekend plans just to study. I never visited my native place I missed family functions and I along with my beloved roommates made all kind of so called sacrifices just to be sure that we all make it to some good B school.

I struggled in Mocks and tried really hard to find my flaws and correct them I found and corrected some but some new were born and then I tried to correct them in a hope that when the real one (CAT) comes I will crack it.

It never happened and after taking entrance tests for every week for 3 months I managed just two calls IRMA and SCMHRD I prepared for GD\PI. IRMA I knew I had bad PI and will not make it so all hoped pinned to SCMHRD there I had perfect interview , GD and essay but to my surprise I didn’t got through.

So now here I stand and when I look back and see my one year of efforts and hard work has all gone in drain. All my efforts have left me with depression, frustration and rejection. I stand on the path of life and there is hardly any light to guide me, don't know what life has in store for me and my brain has complete blank there is hardly anything I can think off. I know its not the end of the road but certainly now journey will be on unseen and unknown passages.

I read again the ever inspiring poem IF which I have pasted in my cubicle and get some composure back and think to start again in some different direction but the fear of failure haunts me what if I fail again ? Then I think that everyone knows one day or other he will die but that doesn’t makes him stop living life I know odds are high for me failing again but do I have any option ? Not trying anything is again like failing? So should I start again the journey of struggle my minds warns me and my heart weeps but as the poem IF quotes "So hold on when there is nothing in you except the will which says HOLD ON!" yeah I can hear that faint bleak voice which tells me to hold on......in spite of all these loud noises of failures which I am accustomed to I still hear this voice clearly ..so I have to hold on not because I have tremendous fight back qualities but because I have no option not because I think I will succeed some day but because I know not trying is failing again ..... I know it will not be easy the failure have not yet sink in but life moves on so will I may be for another failure.......

Regards,
Deep