failures@deep

Anti Reservation Protest

2006-05-30T22:48:00.000-07:00

It was Friday when IT professionals also decided to join the protests. A peaceful march was planned at MBP by all the IT professionals working there. I reached there about half an hour before though there was couple of people wearing black apparels but still crowd had not gathered at starting point. We found some 4-5 doctors full of energy, enthusiasm at the main gate, they requested us gather more crowd. Some more people came forward and we picked up banners and stood together. Slowly people started joining in and I was surprised by the time we started the march we had a descent crowd with.

Well if you go by logic there is no need to explain why reservation on the basis of caste and religion can get terribly wrong. Not only deserved one are left out but it also increases hatred among the students. Politicians are yet to answer some simple question like why do son of an IAS officer need reservation when he has all kind of facilities and resources available under the sun and why does a candidate needs reservation again and again like he got through graduation because of reservation and then he does his masters again courtesy reservation then he gets job again based on reservation and in job too he gets promotion based on reservation.

Increasing seats is not a solution to this problem, reservation have been now for about 50 years and as the reports from various institutes suggests they have not made any significant difference and they cant make as fruits of reservation have not yet reached the deserved ones like one living in village and struggling for daily bread. Its endless debate and I also know it’s the politicians who will have last laugh. Its really shameful that best minds of country are on hunger strike for past so many days.

Even it has such a hot day still people have great amount of energy. Event was covered by media which seems to be playing an important role on this issue at least it is making people aware. But will this all work? Not a single political outfit has come out in support of this as they are too scared about the huge vote bank which OBC posses. All these efforts will drain down in vain and finally politicians will come out victorious.

Truth is bully whom we all pretend to like ....

2006-05-09T02:59:00.000-07:00

Well before anyone accuses me of plagiarism let me confess that the title of post is from famous book Shantaram. This line made me ponder to what extent is this true. Do we really pretend to like truth when it is forced on us? I heard longtime back that truth is stranger then fiction and yeah now I realize that it’s factual to large extent.

So what exactly is truth? Well I guess whatever one feels to be correct is truth for him but this might be illusions to others. So whatever according to us is correct rather whatever which can make us happy or make us feel good we name it as truth and since we always have in our psyche that following truth is ideal way of living life. But it turns out to be other way round it is not truth which makes us happy but whatever makes us happy we assigned it as truth.

But what if truth has already been defined and we don’t like it, also we don’t have guts and courage to oppose it. Now we are left with no other option but to like it or in other word make others feel that we are also enjoying the truth. There are some instances where we all unanimously agree and accept it as truth. Let me give an example. Some days back I along with my friends went to watch all time great classic Macbeth. When I was watching the play I had to concentrate really hard and though I had read this play still I must admit candidly that didn’t get even fifty percent of dialogues. One of the protagonists said a lengthy dialogue of which I could hardly get a line and to my surprise by the end of the dialogue entire crowd was applauding it. I thought may be I missed something so I tried to concentrate more but again when the crowd applauded I could hardly find any reason. I thought there are two possibilities either I am in esteem company of great intellectuals or even the audience have taken up the role of acting and are making other feel that they are also enjoying the play. Why? Well because the play was all time classic so one has to like it else he will be taken as dumb fellow. Here truth was Macbeth is a great play and you ought to like it.

My doubts were cleared when Ashish just sitting beside me bought to my notice that every time when there was applause it was initiated and directed by director of play himself. He started clapping and others followed may be not because they were enjoying it but because they have to be part of the truth. And this was confirmed when I overheard person sitting in front of me saying “is it over?” He was talking whether the play has come to end when it was only intermission and though he seemed to enjoying every act of play. May be he was no more willing to abide by the so called truth. So what was it that made all the spectators accept something as truth which was not making them happy? I guess might be their social status they all belong to some elite class and anyone showing displeasure might have met with raised eye brows and have ended with non elite tag, which he in any case was not willing to accept so he acts wisely and pretends to enjoy the so called truth along with others who are also doing same. Its fear of loosing dignity that makes everyone pretends to like the play.

I am very much sure had something of this kind shown to rickshwallas or notorious college students they might ended up throwing all kinds of things other then admiration, praise etc. So are they better judge of truth? May be they are at least they are not accepting something which is not making them happy.

Longtime back in my school days our principal always use to quote from bible “The truth shall make you free.” But is truth is making us free? No I guess its making us live in some illusory world which we don’t like but accept it since we think that others seem to accept and enjoy it.

As said by Oscar Wilde “The truth is rarely pure and never simple.” It’s very complex to understand what truth is. We all have our notions and we tend to define things as per to them what seem to be true and pure to us might be fake to others. Truth to me is journey which we need to undertake and search for truth teaches us different things and not its possession. We need to come out of our dogmas.

But there is one truth which we all accept and which doesn’t bring happiness to many. It’s the ultimate truth of life and someday or other we all will face it. Yes, I am talking about death. Whether we get to know the real meaning of truth is not certain but we all will face this truth is definite. We relate truth with contentment but when death will approach us it will be most painful experience. There might be a case when we will love to have death because of agonizing life. But none of us will be able to share the experience of facing the ultimate truth. So the ultimate truth of life will bring our life to end.

So truth is not something which will make us happy or free neither it is something which everyone accepts (except death). So what is it then? or is it that there is no truth in world except one?

Rendezvous with Swedish stranger

2006-04-05T05:10:00.000-07:00

It was sunny Friday afternoon we had covered quite a few sea beaches that day and so we all were exhausted and hungry. After searching around for a while we stopped at a restaurant named “Cassandre” it was named after its owner name who was a Portuguese. Everyone ordered drinks and I asked for some port wine I have never tasted that, so thought it was worth trying. Drinks were served and we raised the toast for the name of the restaurant. I was not that hungry so I ordered for some snacks but my gourmet friends had ordered all kinds of dishes which included prawns, fish etc they all were having great time as Goa is great place when it comes down to sea food. In between all the jokes and humors a certain thought flashed into my mind, in evening we all were going to a discotheque near Baga beach called “Tito’s” and our hotel receptionist had told us that couple charges for that is 500 bucks as against 800 bucks for stag and since we all were stags we needed to arrange for a partner to save 300 rupees. I noticed that two girls were having lunch in same restaurant one seems to be from somewhere in Europe while other one which had her back facing me seems to be from china, Japan or from some Mongolian country without thinking anything else I decided to ask them if they were interested in coming with us for discotheque. I asked all my friends for opinion and all nodded in agreement.
I went ahead to their table and started conversation with typical “excuse me” “Hi” though I knew that will not excite them anyhow my greeting were taken warmly and at the same time suspiciously. I tried to explain them our plan.
‘Have u heard about “Tito’s”?’
‘No’ both of them replied in chorus.
‘It’s a discotheque where lively music is played and aaan its very happening place in Goa it’s near to Baga beach.’
I didn’t knew how much logical or interesting I was sounding to them but there reaction was not negative so I carried on.
‘Actually entry charges for couple there are 500 bucks whereas for stag its 800 bucks so if you want you can join us for free and enjoy there and we will save 300 bucks and I bet you will enjoy that since its Friday night so it will all more interesting.’
I was trying to sale my idea along with “Tito’s” and that too in three lines.
There was still no reaction from Chinese girl but other one seemed curious she asked me
‘How will we go there? You have got some taxi, car like that?’
‘We have got bikes along with us.’
They looked towards each other and spoke something in language completely alien to me she turned back to me and said‘We need some time to decide.’
‘How much time do you need to decide?’ I asked
‘Well may be couple of minutes.’
‘Okay ‘I said and left them alone.
Some how I got a gut feeling that European girl was interested in coming but might be scared, off course one will be scared if some stranger jumps in and ask to join him for some strange place. We many a times don’t trust known fellow if he asks to join some strange place and ask all sort of questions. But I had the feeling that against all the odds they might join us as I had put all things in very straight and simple manner.

I joined back my friends and they all were curious to know whether they are coming with us or not I told them that girls will let us know in few minutes. We decided that some of us should visit “Tito’s” first and check out the place so me along with Kshitij and Mansoor decided to leave the place. As we were walking out of restaurant I glanced at their table and questioned in sign language if they are willing to join us I don’t know how much they understood but European one responded‘We are coming with you.’
I went to their table again she repeated that they will like to come with us.
‘Where will we meet? And at what time? We have got some work to do so we can’t come right now.’
‘Well we can meet here only and let say at 9:30. We will pick you up from here and then we can go to “Tito’s”’ I responded though I was not prepared for this question but this was the first thing that came into my mind.
‘Okay ….okay’ they both said after looking at each other and smiling.
By now Mansoor had joined me I conveyed him that they are coming with us and we need to pick them from here at about 9:30
Mansoor smiled and immediately asked‘So who is coming with me?’
Chinese girl laughed and said ‘it’s not a date I suppose’
‘No No it’s not a date but if you want that we can make it one’ Mansoor replied within a fraction of second.
We all laughed again.
‘So, where are you from and what is your name?’ I enquired
‘We are from Sweden and my name is Charlotte.’‘What?’ I asked again as that name sounded strange.
‘Charlotte ….Charlotte ….’
‘Okay I am Deep’ though I still didn't got that name but still I nodded.
‘What?’ She asked again I knew my name must have sounded her strange as her name did to me I repeated again ‘Deep’ and she nodded though I knew she also like me has also not understood it.
I asked other girl her name and she was really taken aback by my question.
‘Charlotte ….’ She said nervously.
‘What that was supposed to be her name’ though I still didn’t got that name but I could make that they both pronounced same name which was still alien to me.
‘oh aaah yeah my name is aaan aaan Jessica’ she responded
‘Hey are you fooling around with your names?’ I said.‘No no …’ she said.
We all laughed and left from the restaurant.

I returned back to the restaurant at sharp 9:30 after taking a shower in hotel and changing my dress. I was not sure how long I will have to wait for them I parked my bike and looked around but was not able to trace them, so I turned back towards to my bike and saw them coming towards restaurant they were right on time like me and it is really unusual when girls make it on time. This was first time I was impressed by them as I hate waiting for anyone.

I waived my hand towards Charlotte and to my surprise she didn’t reacted I waived back again this time I caught her eye she reacted‘Oh Hi …hey you have changed in minutes ’
Since I have changed my dress it might have been difficult for her to recognize me.
I laughed and said ‘So ready to move? My friend will join us within five minutes and then we can move’
‘Yeah okay no problem but we need to go to our hotel first just for five minutes’ she replied
‘How far is your hotel? We can hitch you to your hotel first and then we can go to Tito’s?’
‘Okay that’s fine’ she repliedI asked them about their profession they were into bio medical sciences and both of them were from Sweden.
I told them that I am software engineer surprisingly that excited them. Mansoor joined us and we all left for their hotel.

Charlotte was with me she found bike little uncomfortable and asked me
‘Do you think this is safe?’
‘Yeah off course’ I replied with confidence.
She got onto the bike I told her that if she is scared she can hold me and ensured her that it’s safe.
She put her hands around my waist loosely holding my shirt as young child will hold his father’s shirt I kicked the bike and started to drive across busy streets of Calungute. Roads in Goa are narrow but all in fine condition and it’s always great to drive in Goa. After about five minutes of drive she asked me to take right turn that was narrow street with lots of trees around I knew this might be near to some beach. After taking some more left and right turns she asked me to stop at a hotel named ‘Sea Breeze’ they hurried into the hotel and were back within five minutes that proved they were very punctual about time.

We reached ‘Tito’s’ Mansoor left for our hotel again to hitch someone else from our group. It was 10:00 and we still have about half an hour before discotheque opens. Charlotte said she would like to roam around the market I agreed and accompanied her.

She was one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. She was slender, with brown, shoulder length hair, and tanned skin. She was dressed in cotton skirt and loose T ShirtShe walked slowly looking in each shop with interest and curiosity. All shopkeepers welcomed us though some were astonished by witnessing an Indian with two foreigners.She greeted every shopkeeper with a pleasant smile and listened carefully and attentively what each vendor told about his products and then after thinking for while she denied very graciously with even more pleasant smile and moved to another shop with same curiosity.

I have started liking her for all these gestures she seemed to me very simple and natural girl and this quality impressed me a lot. She was so relaxed and at home, so much part of the surrounding. What I found baffling, all around me seemed to be mundane for her. After a survey of all the shops on that street we turned back towards ‘Tito’s’. On our way back I found a foreigner singing a famous Hindi song in his typical accent and at the same time playing that tune on guitar that song is one of my favorite and this guy was doing full justice to this song he knew exact lyrics and tune. I stopped a while and enjoyed the song. That’s what Goa represents true mixture of cultures a foreigner singing Hindi or may be an Indian speaking in Portuguese it all represents how well people jell together despite of different religions, castes, and country.

We reached ‘Tito’s’ and soon Mansoor and Vivek also joined us. We entered ‘Tito’s’ there were not many people there but the place was happening. Theme for that night was hip hop music. After brief discussion with Mansoor we offered Charlotte and Jessica drinks. Bar was located at dance floor and rest part of discotheque has sitting arrangement music played was loud and most of people were foreigners. We moved from dance floor and made our self comfortable at one of the sofas. We were joined by rest of our friends.

After some time two fellows approached Charlotte and Jessica who were sitting beside us and asked both girls to join them for dance. I was waiting for how will they react and to my surprise Charlotte turned to me and asked ‘Do you want to come along for dance?’I nodded in agreement and we moved on to dance floor.

Dance floor by then was overcrowded we managed to get some space at one of the corners. She put her bag down and then removed her slippers and started dancing on the tune of music played. That amused me a bit I have never imagined anyone will dance in discotheque bare feet but she was enjoying every bit of it. She had a very pleasant smile while dancing whenever our eyes met she passed that beautiful smile she was not concerned about people around her and was enjoying herself.

After dancing for while she told me that she is thirsty so we moved towards bar and after fetching some water we again moved to sitting place.‘So did you like the place?’ I shouted in her ear as music was really loud.‘Yeah its great did you like it?’ she replied smiling.‘Yeah I also did’ I don’t know why but I had sudden urge to meet her once more I wanted to talk to her more. She had a very warm personality and she had something which I describe as positive energy. When you meet such kind of people you feel that everything is not lost in world. She looked the world in the eye and started it down, and I liked that about her.

Though I knew any kind of relation was not possible and feasible with her and also we will never meet again but I desired to spend some time with her and know something more about her. So without thinking of what her reaction will be I asked her again in very simple and straight forward way.

‘What are you doing tomorrow? Can we meet tomorrow?’She thought for while and then said ‘Yeah we can but where?’I was overjoyed with her approval and we decided to meet at her hotel and then move on to Candolim beach which was near to her hotel. She told me that they take sun bath around 11 AM everyday so that will be ideal time to meet.
We went to drop them back to their hotel it was already 2 AM. As we dropped them at their hotel they thanked us we shook hands and she slowly whispered ‘See you tomorrow 11 AM.’

Next day I reached her hotel at sharp 11:00 AM I parked my bike but couldn’t see her two thoughts came to my mind should I wait for her for should I go to receptionist and enquire finally I decided for the latter one but as I was heading towards receptionist I saw her coming. She was dressed in white loose shirt and red pants, with blue sunglasses propped in her hair she looked like a creature of light, a creature made out of sky and clean white light.

I waived my hand and she waived back and said
‘Good Morning how are you today?’
‘Good morning yeah I am fine so when did you wake up today?’
I replied smiling at her.‘I got up early as I had to go to bank’ she replied. We waited till Jessica joined us and then moved towards beach. Beach was some 200 meters away from their hotel. We reached beach within 5 minutes.

It was lovely beach like any other beach in Goa lazy cool sea stretching itself to meet the vast blue sky at horizons. White sands on the beach lined with palm and coconut trees and small shrubs seem to witness the mystic union of sea and sky. A day at beach at Goa offers you an intoxicating cocktail of sun, sand and sea three most important elements of nature. Rhythm of waves can get you drunk. There were lot of shacks and kiosks on beach where the husband would cook gourmet, delicious food while wife would be taking orders. All these shacks offered free sun bed along with umbrella just some feet away from ever inviting ocean.

We walked on the wet beach with pants folded till knee and with foot wears in hand occasionally sea wave would touch our feet and when the wave receded it took back some sand right beneath from our feet. It was like that these waves take away some sadness from you leaving you with a smile and an invitation to sea which will bring you more happiness. It is an ideal place and sheer delight if you are looking just for sea, yourself and tranquility.

Few people approached us for sun bed but she denied all of them with same gracious smile. I guess she was looking for more peaceful place with less of crowd. Finally we reached to one of the far ends of the beach when a lady approached us she spoke fluent English and said along with sun bed she also offers massage and delicious food. Charlotte asked her to arrange for three sun beds.

We settled down it was hot afternoon and sea waves were at their high. I took bed under umbrella and she lay near my bed without any shadow. She told me that she was in some northern part of Sweden few days for Ice Skiing where temperatures was about minus thirty degree and now she is at Goa hot beach where temperatures must be about 35 degree a complete contrast.
I asked her ‘so which one you like more sea or snow covered mountains?’
She thought for while and then replied ‘Well …kind off both I love Ice skiing but I also love sea’ and then again smiled back at me and asked ‘which one do you like more’
‘I have been to snow covered mountains only once and there also I didn’t go for skiing but yeah I enjoy sea very much, sea is where I feel that I have an existence in this overcrowded world I feel like an individual who is different form rest and has its own identity when I look at this vast and never ending sea. It makes me feel that I have got many things to do ahead in life and as I can’t see where this ocean will end same way I don’t know where will my life end but like sea I need to work again and again to achieve my targets and goal and also need to stretch myself in achieving this as sea does with every wave that hit the shore.’

I couldn’t believe that I spoke so much may be because she was good listener and her pleasant smile encouraged me to express myself. She nodded in agreement and smiled back at me. She removed her shirt and put white scarf on her head and also sunglasses and lay back on sun bed enjoying the warmth and light that came from ultimate source of energy the sun.

She asked me ‘Do you any book to read?’‘No I will rather talk to you’ I replied‘oh yeah that’s great’ she replied back smiling back.
‘I have got this Swedish book’ she showed me a book titled ‘Storms’
‘What this book is all about’ I enquired as I could make nothing out of title.‘It’s about second world war’
‘So do you like history?’
‘Yeah very much in fact I like reading books of all kinds but problem is I don’t get much of time specially when I am studying in college that time its only technical books’
‘What kind of books you like most? Are you interested in spiritualism?’ my inquisitive mind fired this question as some how I thought she might be into spiritualism and philosophy.

‘Yeah I like that but what do you mean by spiritualism? Are you talking about salvation? What do you think about salvation?’ she answered removing her pants now, she was only in bikini she was much more beautiful then I could have imagined. She had nice slender body which might have been cause for envy for many.

‘Yeah salvation is ultimate destination which I may or may not achieve but I guess journey is more important. I don’t know what salvation is and how to achieve it but I believe that I need to discover myself first. I also believe in philosophy "I think therefore I exist" that according to me means that my existence is how I think about me in fact every individual is what he thinks about himself and not what others think about him. I believe the path to salvation is through yourself and you need to know yourself first.’ I spoke my heart out on this occasion and she seemed to agree with me.
She stared at me for while and then said ‘Do you believe in God?’
‘Well I believe in a supreme power which might be Allah to Muslims, different god to Hindus and Jesus to Christians I believe there is one power which is above us all and which is the One which controls everyone of us and which is the one who created the world and also controls all the forces of nature’
I replied enjoying the discussion as she was taking keen interest in whatever I was saying.‘Do you communicate with him? Can you hear him? Do you ask for anything from him?’ in a blink of eye she fired all these questions to me.
‘yeah I communicate with him but that’s one sided communication I remember him everyday and thank him for whatever he has given to me I also believe that He is with me always, I never ask for any favors from Him as I believe whenever I am in trouble or crisis I will find my way out because He is with me I don’t need to remind him about anything he has destined me for something for some purpose and I need to work myself to find that first and then achieve that. And do you believe in God?’
I was really curious to know her view.
‘I believe in Jesus I believe that he was messiah of God who sacrificed his life and took all sufferings so that we all can leave in peace and harmony. I think he was our savior and we need to believe in him and follow him to achieve salvation. I communicate with him daily and I can hear his voice everyday I thank him for everything and asks to take care of me in future I ask him when I take any decision.’ Discussion was really interesting for both of us now.

I asked her whether she was read Bible she told me that she has read New Testament which comprises of teachings from Jesus. She asked me do we have any holy book like Bible in Hinduism. I told her about Geeta.‘So what does Geeta teaches?’ she askedI told her that it was teachings delivered by Lord Krishna in the middle of battlefield before the start of the war when Arjuna denied attacking his own relatives for the sake of kingdom. I told her that main gist of Geeta is that whatever happened happened for good and whatever is happening is happening for good and whatever will happen will happen for good. What have you lost for which you cry? You came empty handed and will go the same way. I tried to explain bit more to her but Geeta is too vast to explain in such short span of time. She seemed to be impressed by Geeta.

She asked me whether I will like to swim I denied she went ahead and jumped into the sea. I saw her enjoying the waves and sun she tried to ride on waves sometimes she did succeeded and other time she ended imbibing salty water of ocean. She returned back within few minutes.She came back and after whipping water from her body she got down again on sun bead this time unbuttoning back strap of her top that exposed her entire back to sun inviting sun to tan every inch of her and leave no trace of strap.

There she lay beside me wearing only lower piece of her bikini enjoying the intoxicating sun light totally comfortable with the surrounding I envied her for the comfort she was enjoying in doing what she wished.There are times when we want to do something but couldn’t as we are concerned about our surrounding we don’t feel at home we don’t feel that place belong to us and or may be we don’t belong to that place. I am not talking about getting naked on beach but I am talking about freedom to do anything which you know will not harm anyone else but you wish to do may be for sense of enjoyment or may be for some purpose, but there are couple of times when we don’t do some thing not because we are not comfortable doing that but because we are not comfortable about the surroundings, environment and people which nowhere might be concerned to them. Many of us miss this freedom to be our self but Charlotte was always herself in very simple way.

We talked more for while about our interests she liked watching movies and roaming to different places. I looked back to sea again admired its vastness and calmness once more then looked back again at her she had closed her eyes because sun was right above her. I admired her again for her simplicity, frankness, believes, beauty, attitude, warmness and many more things. I have never met a woman before who was clear in her thoughts, who was so natural in her actions, who was so beautiful, who was so warm to others. I knew it was time for me to leave. I looked back at her again knowing this will be last time I will be looking at her. I looked at her with all respect and admiration and then broke the silence.

‘I will leave now’ I said.She opened her eyes slowly smiling as ever she tried to button strap of her bikini top but struggled to do so within few seconds
she asked me ‘Am I getting this wrong’
‘Yeah do you want me to help you out with this?’ I asked her
She nodded in agreementI buttoned her strap and she got up from bed smiling again.‘If you are coming down to Mumbai do call me and take my mobile number’ I saidShe took out a diary and pen from her bag and noted my mobile number I asked her to give me her email id.

She spoke for one last time ‘It was really nice meeting you.’
‘Yeah same here’ I replied back in fact it was one of the nicest thing to happen to me.

I left from the beach thinking how strange it was to meet a stranger and feel so good about it knowing that we will never meet again but the warmth that was left with me after the meeting will always be with me as cherished treasure.

Friends

2006-03-29T03:51:00.000-08:00

Beginning after The End

2006-03-24T01:25:00.000-08:00

Sitting in front of same old computer, doing some stupid work and yeah sipping another cup of hot special chai I wonder where I am heading for ...yesterday second and final waitlist of SCMHRD was out my name didn’t figure in that as usual though there was no hope for that but yeah officially it got over. I started preparing for CAT in Jan 2005 and from there it was been long journey ..all weekends were spoiled because I had either had to attend some class or to appear in some Mock test.For one year while working in office I had only one aim to complete work and catch 6 PM bus to back home and after reaching home grab some material and start solving it be it simple multiplication or division or some standard 10th topic from maths or some English words which I knew will not be used by me any day.

While traveling in company bus I usually had flash cards with some strange words printed on it or may be I had copy of Economic Times editorial which informed about the latest economic topics though I was never interested in that but so was the drive of getting into good B school that I use to read not only newspaper but also some business magazine. In office also I always tried to steal some time and go through some DI test or some website for MBA preparation.
I denied all invitations to any party or any of the weekend plans just to study. I never visited my native place I missed family functions and I along with my beloved roommates made all kind of so called sacrifices just to be sure that we all make it to some good B school.

I struggled in Mocks and tried really hard to find my flaws and correct them I found and corrected some but some new were born and then I tried to correct them in a hope that when the real one (CAT) comes I will crack it.

It never happened and after taking entrance tests for every week for 3 months I managed just two calls IRMA and SCMHRD I prepared for GD\PI. IRMA I knew I had bad PI and will not make it so all hoped pinned to SCMHRD there I had perfect interview , GD and essay but to my surprise I didn’t got through.

So now here I stand and when I look back and see my one year of efforts and hard work has all gone in drain. All my efforts have left me with depression, frustration and rejection. I stand on the path of life and there is hardly any light to guide me, don't know what life has in store for me and my brain has complete blank there is hardly anything I can think off. I know its not the end of the road but certainly now journey will be on unseen and unknown passages.

I read again the ever inspiring poem IF which I have pasted in my cubicle and get some composure back and think to start again in some different direction but the fear of failure haunts me what if I fail again ? Then I think that everyone knows one day or other he will die but that doesn’t makes him stop living life I know odds are high for me failing again but do I have any option ? Not trying anything is again like failing? So should I start again the journey of struggle my minds warns me and my heart weeps but as the poem IF quotes "So hold on when there is nothing in you except the will which says HOLD ON!" yeah I can hear that faint bleak voice which tells me to hold on......in spite of all these loud noises of failures which I am accustomed to I still hear this voice clearly ..so I have to hold on not because I have tremendous fight back qualities but because I have no option not because I think I will succeed some day but because I know not trying is failing again ..... I know it will not be easy the failure have not yet sink in but life moves on so will I may be for another failure.......

Regards,
Deep

Selling Emotions..........

2006-03-07T00:47:00.000-08:00

Its an old saying "Nothing sells like Flesh and Blood" but i differ here take a look at on going reality shows and that will confirm what I say . Last night I was watching Indian Idol. This show is not about searching singing talent in India its about cashing on human emotions whether it may be of viewers contestants anyone as long as they are lucrative they are used.

When last two contestant are left and everyone knows one of them will be kicked off our host realizes importance of this moment and understands that this needs to be cashed he firsts lists all the prizes that winner will be getting but adds one of them will be missing all this. This acts as catalyst in getting emotions out for all involved in this game. Then he/she turns to parents or kin of one of the contestants and asks what according to me is most stupid question to be asked. He asks how will they feel if their child is thrown out of competition? What does he and all other viewers expect as answer? Well we feel great and at the top of the world there can be nothing better in life then being thrown out of competition were prize money is in millions and fame earned cannot be accounted. Is this we expect answer...off course not everyone knows that anyone will feel disappointed dejected but why this stupid question its like asking will today there be sunset? Host ask this so as to provoke all kind of emotions out of viewers and participants he need to get people emotionally involved because this is what his show sells.
Just when he realizes that all are at high of sentiments he tries to announce who is being thrown out of show before that camera quickly rolls up on contestants, judges, kin of contestants making sure that those viewers who somehow managed not to get emotional finally get by looking contestant kins praying, crying. Host again pretend to announce the result but he knows he need to announce something more important yes a commercial break.

They return after so called short commercial break and after evoking few more emotions announces finally the looser. Its not over yet, they know public sympathy is with looser just now so lets cash this too they ask looser to sing for one last time. Rest of the contestant join the looser to console him and at the same time rejoicing that they are there for at least one more week.

Is this what we called entertainment ? we get entertain by watching others in pain or may be we empathize with the contestants and all our emotions are being cashed. Any reality show has same motto, aim to cash on viewers emotions. We are getting entertained by watching people loose something which is very important in life. Do we sympathize with them ? or its sigh of relief for us thinking "oh its not only me who is loosing there are others also". We cant be happy watching someone unknown who is not related to us win all accolades and money but yes we are happy watching someone loose, watching someone suffer, watching someone's dream being shattered......

Its All about Numbers

2006-02-01T04:36:00.000-08:00

I feel my existence is more to do with numbers then anything else ..infact every thing in world owes its existence to some number ...i know u wont agree ...let me try to pursue you ....when i was born first thing that was noted about me must not be my appreance or whether i cried or not ....it was time yeah 13 april 4:19 PM and that must be one of the first thing told by doctor ...new born is fine and is born at 4:19 PM so thats when a numeric value got attach to me even before i was named and you will agree that this number remains with us till we die ....anywhere and everywhere u are asked about ur birthdate ....and we wait for this number every year to increase or may be decrease our life years.

I grew up got admitted to school and guess what for all official records i had birth date and one more number attached with my name ...guess what ?? yeah class roll number ....so when teacher took attendence its was not my name which was called but yeah my roll number ........then few years later i took my first board exam and i was told that all evaluation will be done by assigning my answersheet with some number so as to maintain secrecy ......irony was that some number was used to keep my identity and another was keept to keep my that identity as secret ...in other words it was upto numbers to hide or reveal my identity .....and all this was done so as to get fair result which again will be in numbers ......

I went to college ...NIT jamshedpur ...and first thing i was told was that I am 47/2000 ...yeah that my college roll number .....and believe me i had to live with this 47/2k for four years ..any college affair attendence, room allocation , mess charges had this number as manadatory field ...one might not have name but without this college roll number survival was impossible ....so my identity was 47/2k in college for all official affairs ..and guess what my whole batch was called 2000 batch ...so when anyone not knowing my name and roll number for the matter of fact ...use to address me with another number i mean by my batch number ....so whenever i heard "ayeee 2k" i knew someone from my batch is being called .....

This indicates not only individual indentity but group indentity was dependent on number..... In college I really struggled with numbers.... i mean marks ....people keep telling me that if I dont get these number I might not get good job ...good job ?? what that buddy ...i guess one where my interests lie ...no way guys first Job is anything where u paid for working and a good job is one where you are paid more yeah i.e you get nice pay package which is obviously indicated by number so we needed to get good marks to get good job which will good pay package .....so i needed numbers to get bigger number in my salary slip ....I didnt got either of them so landed at Patni Computers ....for 1.68 lakhs per annum......

Somehow managed to complete my college and joined Patni Computer ....Again first thing i was told on first day that my training id will be 85514 and on succesful completion of training i will be employee and then assisgned new number ...Employee Number....Again i struggled in training in getting numbers (marks) but somehow managed to completed that training ...i wont say succesfully ....In the mean time i opened by Bank Account and was given debit cum ATM card ...but hey whats this ??? this card doesnt have my name on it !!!!! it again has some number but i wanted my name on it ...bank guys told me if i need my name on it i need to wait for some time .....i thought its wise to survive with number rather waiting for name .....i also got PIN number which will be used to access my account thru ATM ...so again i was at mercy of number...what if I forget this number ? I asked bank Agenct ...No problem sir dial our free helpline number and get it changed...Agent answered proudly ......

So if I forget this number i need to dial another number to get new number .....I finally became employee and hence was given Employee Number 31057 ...and now onwards i need to use this for every official purpose .... Now every morning when i swipe my card machine displays my number that proves that my identity in comapny is mere 31057 ......

Within few days i was asked to get my PAN Number ...now whats this ?? well u need to file Income tax and for this u need PAN Number which will be like unique identifier for you at IT department ...god !!!!! how many more numbers do i need to prove my existence and identity....
then someone told me that in India is not that organized as in some developed nation like USA ...where there is only one number assigned to you which is used for all purpose ...i felt as if there was some analogy with Unified theory which scientists are working on so as to represent all theories by one theory and in similiar way we need one Number which will represent all traits for particular human being ...I wish we get success in that ....at least then i will have only one number to remember.

Our identity is nothing but some set of numbers ....one number might represent our identity in company we are working for other may represent our location (house number , PIN Code) other may represent our contact information phone number ..

Regards,
Deep

First Post

2006-01-17T21:56:00.000-08:00

BLOG i heard this word many times but didnt knew what exactly it stands for. I saw in many profiles visit my blog as signature. Today morning i decided to search what really a blog is ...googled for "what is blog" couldnt not understand much but yeah got url to create one so went ahead and created my own blog (since it was free didnt bothered me)..so now i have my own blog but still dont know what it is used for ...may be it is kind of forum where people can put in their thoughts and its easy too....look even i am able to post my views on world wide web.....and yeah it can be plateform for all budding writers where in they can post their works.......

name of my blog failuresdeep...well i think people always talk about success be Jack Welsh about winning or be it Shiv Khera about How to win ?.......i dont know how to win and dont have anything that can be classified as success so i will talk about what i have in abundance ...yeah failures.......